What the Heart Wants
by IlovetowriteSMP
Summary: Kendall wants to stop loving Ryan but she can't.RENDALL. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**May 2006**

Standing in stateroom of her mother's yatch, Kendall took Zach's hand as the justice of the peace started the ceremony.

She was shaking, as her body betrayed her mind and fought with her stubborn will. She couldn't really hear what the man was saying, something about love and honor and till death.

_Till the end of your life will you love this man_? went through her mind.

Instead of yes, she told herself _I can, I can, I can, I can_...

Her vision started to cloud and then the image of the one man she could not think about today, not if she hoped to do this, shot into her mind.

_He does not love you_! she screamed silently _Stop loving Ryan! Just stop! Don't cry for him_ _anymore. Never again_.

But the tears started to fall anyway. Zach squeezed her hand.

Then a pain shot through her stomach. "Ohh...oh!"

Kendall clutched her waist. Zach's features turned from adoration to worried. "The baby?"

Then she was sinking to the ground, with her ex-husband holding her. Kendall moaned in pain and then murmured, "No, no, no, Spike...don't come yet."

"Call for a doctor!" Zach ordered the justice of the peace.

Another pain pierced Kendall and she started to cry. Zach smoothed her hair and whispered, "I'm here. I'm going to get you some help."

She looked into his eyes and spoke her heart, knowing it was a betrayal and simply not caring. She whimpered out, as another contraction came fast and furious, "I need Ryan."

XXXXXXXXX

**LATER THAT DAY**

Ryan ran from his car and into the hospital. He had driven ninety miles an hour down the highway, racing back here from a business meeting in Philadelphia.

His heart was in his mouth, causing him to not be able to breath, to think, to do anything but run. He had to get to Kendall and be there to hold her hand as their child was born.

(_Pray God, you can cope._

_  
I stand outside  
this woman's work-_

_this woman's world._

_  
Oh, it's hard on the man  
now his part is over._

_  
Now starts the craft of the father) ( Maxwell)  
_

Bianca had called Ryan a few hours earlier.

He was working, on a seemingly normal day- the first one in awhile. Before today his mind had been consumed with where his missing...ex- fiancee, friend, love, everything...was.

She had been whisked off to an island to be the guest of a mad man, Dr. Greg Madden. And until Ryan heard from Zach that Kendall had been found, and was safe, he hadn't been able to focus on anything else.

He told himself it was because she was carrying his child. But it was more than that. It was because she was Kendall. If there was one person in this world he didn't go a day without thinking about, it was her. Even when she was the last person he wanted on his mind, there she was.

If only he could blame that on her looks- for she was lovely, and certainly the most gorgeous woman ever to give him a second glance, let alone loved him like it was the very thing that gave her a reason to live. But it wasn't how she looked that kept her in his mind. And it wasn't even how she loved him. It was...what she was to him.

There seemed to be a thread that linked Kendall to Ryan. Sometimes he hated that fact. She was inside of him and linked to him and, even without the child they shared, she would always be the one he could never forget about.

XXXX

**Ryan was breathing hard **when he skidded into the emergency room. The first person he saw was Nurse Julia Santos. The look on her face stopped him dead in his tracks.

The baby was early, he knew that. But surely the doctors could save the baby and Kendall. They had to. Ryan's own life and sanity and next breath depended on it. He honestly worried his heart would just give up, stop, call it quits for good, if Julia said Kendall was gone already.

"How is she?" he asked, his voice louder than he intended, and shaky, giving his fears away to everyone who crowded the waiting area.

Erica, Jackson, Reggie, Bianca, Maggie, Lily, Simone, Erin, Zach...he knew they were there and yet he couldn't see them. He could only see Julia.

"They had to do an emergency C-section because her blood pressure dropped," she said. "Kendall is still in surgery."

Bianca came over and put her hand Ryan's arm. Then she said something meant to be comforting. He couldn't hear her though.

_Fight, Kendall, fight. Come on, baby boy, hang out. Live, live...don't leave me ...I love you...Oh God, Kendall...I'm sorry...you'll never know how much...fight, please...don't leave me here alone..._...he thought.

His head fell back and he looked up towards God. _Don't take Kendall from me, don't take our baby, I am begging you, _he prayed.

Ryan felt the tears hit him then, and he squeezed his eyes closed, _Oh, Kendall, hold on._

(_I know you've got a little life in you yet  
I know you've got a lotta strength left  
I know you've got a little life in you yet  
I know you've got a lotta strength left _

I should be crying but I just can't let it

_show_

_  
I should be hoping but I can't stop_

_thinking_

_  
For the things we should've said that we never said  
All the things we should've done that we never did  
All the things we should've given, _

_but I didn't _

Ooohhh, darling, make it go  
Make it go away!!!!)

**Ryan pictured **in his mind the first second he ever saw Kendall. He would have never known he could love anyone or anything as deep as he had loved her.

What he would give to go back to that moment and do it all over again. Just love her and hold on and never let go.  
_  
_

_(Give me these moments  
Give them back to me_

_  
Give me your little kiss  
Give me your hand_

_Give me that pretty hand...) ( Maxwell)_

_You can not leave me, Kendall, _Ryan silently told her as he sat down in a chair to wait. His eyes were unfocused, his mind was stuck in the past, and his heart was barley beating. It was waiting to see if it had a reason to go on.

XXXXXXXXXX

**HOURS LATER **

**As Kendall woke up **she started to speak before her eyes even opened, "My baby..."

"He's perfect," Zach said.

She let out a breath. Her body ached but that hardly mattered. All she could think about was her child and where his father was.

"Really?" she asked. It was her nature to doubt that something could work out right.

"Only five pounds but he'll bulk up in no time," Zach said.

Her dark eyes filled with happy tears and started to dart back and forth. Zach saw the unspoken question in their depths.

He said, "Ryan is right outside. Should I send him in? Or do you want to rest for a while first?"

She didn't want to admit how desperate she was to see him. Kendall swallowed and titled her head to the side, her mouth opened.

Zach spoke before she could, "I'll get him for you."

When Ryan filled the doorway, she felt her whole body flood with warmth. It was a rush of love and relief and the feeling that comes when you see your family after a disaster hits- they survived and so did you and now everything is right in the world.

He hung back a few steps but she could see how happy he was, and still more than a little worried.

"I'm fine," she assured him. "I know I look like hell but-"

"You look great, Kendall. Alive."

"Yeah," she agreed huskily.

Ryan added, as he walked over and took a seat,"And like a mom."

A teary smile burst out on her face. "Have you seen Spike?"

"Who?"

"Our son, Spike."

He chuckled. "Is that what we are calling him? Does he get a middle name?"

"You can pick it, I guess. I like Spike. It's tough and imperfect- like you and me and our boy."

Ryan just gazed at her for a long moment. Then he gently took her hand, "Spike it is then. How about Hart for his middle name. Spike Hart Lavery...that is...if you are giving him my last name? Or did you want Slater? I heard you remarried him...congratulations." He knew that the last word he spoke sounded fake as hell but it was the best he could manage at that moment.

"The arrival of our little guy," Kendall said "sort of put a halt to the ceremony so we aren't married...yet...though I suppose we will try it again when I am out of here."

Ryan nodded, his eyes left hers for the first time since he came into the room. Kendall saw this and felt the change in his energy.

She said, "I can't believe you would think I wouldn't give our child your last name. Idiot," she joked then her voice got softer, "he's our son. Yours and mine, Ryan. I know he was meant to be Greenlee's but she ditched him and us...and I might hate her for that and I might, also, wish she never left us all behind like that...but I owe her a big thank you, too. Because she let me have what I thought I never would- our baby."

He blinked back tears and brought his eyes back to hers.

At that moment, Ryan realized that for all his trying to get over her, he never had. For all his vowing to not love her, he still did. For all his running away, he had only run in a circle right back to her. And he was fine with that. Even if she never loved him again, he would keep her in a private corner of his heart, in the place where only he could ever feel her, and them, and all they would always be to each other.

His lips curved into a small smile. She saw it and let out a contented sigh. "Ryan..." her eyes asked him _Can you believe this? That we came this far together?_

He said, "Thank you, for my son, and for...thinking I was worth going through all this."

"To me," she said "you always will be. Even if you hate that fact..."

He chuckled, not hating it in the least.

Then the door opened and they both turned to see Zach. Kendall let her hand slide out of Ryan's grasp. She did her best to not feel let down that her moment with him was over.

_Don't lie to yourself_, she silently scolded her heart, _You loving Ryan never made him love you back...at least not in a way that will ever make him stay by your side forever...Zach will. Love Zach._

She watched as Ryan nodded at Zach and then left the room. And Kendall tried with all her might to ignore the fact that she missed Ryan the minute he disappeared from her sight.

AN- This is a Rendall story.


	2. Chapter 2

AN- This chapter is dedicated to JC Morgan for all her support and friendship.

**Chapter Two**

June 2006

As they walked out of the church where Spike had just been baptized, Kendall let her eyes drift over to Ryan.

Next to her was her fiancee, Zach, and in her arms was her son. Surrounding them was all of their family, including the godparents Simone and Ethan. Soon they would all climb in their cars and drive over to the Pine Valley Hotel where they were having a reception.

But Ryan wasn't coming to that. He said he had to get back to work. Kendall knew that was not the whole truth though. He had been pulling away from her ever since their child was born.

There were small moments when it was only her, Ryan and Spike where everything felt exquisite. Perfect. Better than she ever thought life could be. But then Ryan would say he had somewhere to get to, and Kendall would have to bite her tongue to not yell at him to stay.

Now, he caught her eye and she saw his eyes darken slightly. She felt a shiver dance down her spine.

It was as if no one else was there. She drunk in his face, his smile, the eyes that rested solely on her right now, trying to take in enough to last till she saw him again.

She hated that she did these kind of things. Loving him out loud and wildly, in the past. And loving him fiercely and silently, in the present. But she could not get her heart to stop.

Everyone was saying their good-byes when Ryan walked over to Kendall. He smiled down at her and said, "Call me if you have any trouble getting him to sleep tonight. One verse of _Born to be Wild _and he is out like a light."

"Only when you sing it," she said with a laugh. "You better hope you are not making him into a rebel. You'll regret it in about fifteen years."

"He's our kid. You know he's going to break every rule that was ever made."

"Don't say that!" Kendall smiled and whispered to Spike "Don't listen to Daddy."

Ryan's heart clutched when she said that word. He loved how she never wavered in her stance that Ryan was the only father Spike needed.

Kendall could have tried to push him completely out of his son's life but she hadn't ever even thought about doing that.

He remembered something she had said to him after Greenlee left town.

"It's not a question of **if** we are in this together," Kendall's voice was pure no nonsense _"we **are** in this together, Ryan. This is our baby now and we have to decide his future together ."_

Zach turned his attention back to her and said, "We should get going. The reservation is for a ten minutes from now."

Ryan said, "I'll see you later, Kendall."

He turned quickly and, without saying a word to his brother, sister or friends, he headed for his car. Kendall couldn't take her eyes off him until he turned the corner and stepped into the parking lot.

Then she said to Zach, "We're really lucky, you know that? That this is all working out so well. No one in this town would have ever thought that Ryan and I could share a son without it turning into a disaster, hell I had my own worries, but look..." she smiled

Zach's face held a guarded expression. "I told you it would all be fine. We're going to get that life we both want, Kendall."

He searched her eyes for the truth he hoped to find there. She gave him a strained smile. "I hope so, Zach."

XXXXXXXXXX

THAT NIGHT

Kendall and Zach sat on her couch. The baby had finally fallen to sleep after an hour of noisy crying.

Zach took her hand. He rubbed his thumb in gentle circles over her skin.

She tried to relax, to just let go and feel safe, like her fiancee wanted her to. Zach swore he could give her a good life, a solid future, security like she had always craved. That he would be the one person to not ever turn on her.

But would he? If he knew that she could never stop loving Ryan, would Zach still be there for her then?

(_I have a face I cannot show.  
I make the rules up as I go. _

It's try and love me

if you can.

Are you strong enough to be my man?) ( Sheryl Crow)

"What do you think about setting a wedding date?" Zach asked "How about July Fourth? Independence Day. A new start for both of us. A break from our pasts."

She sucked in a shocked breath.

"What?' he asked "No good? You change your mind about us?"

Kendall's mind shot back to the day Ryan asked her to marry him. They were to be wed on the fourth of July but it all went to hell before they could. There wasn't a year that went by that she didn't cry over him on that day.

"No, of course not," she said. If she married Zach then she could finally stop aching for Ryan, for the man that would never make her his wife. "I would already be your wife if Spike hadn't made an early appearance."

"So, what is with the face, Kendall?" he asked softly.

The truth wasn't an option and so she lied, "I don't think we should wait until next month. Lets do it sooner. Tonight."

He smiled. "It's a little late to find a preacher tonight."

"Tomorrow then or this weekend. Saturday," she decided. "Does that work for you?"

He nodded but eyed her warily.

She hoped that what she wanted to feel- more love for him than Ryan- would one day turn into what she actually felt. Zach said he would love her no matter how ugly it got. That was more than Ryan could do, though it killed her to admit that.

Ryan had stopped loving her. It was after he married Greenlee, it was after Kendall and Ryan had been through so much together, so many battles and wars, but it happened. It had to have happened...because he didn't love her now. She was sure of that much.

No matter what those eyes of his seemed to say, Kendall could not lie to herself. Ryan was not ever going to want to be with her again, wasn't ever going to forgive the past.

But Zach was here, holding her hand and asking for her to try to love again. He would be different. He would stay by her side through the worst..._Ryan is still here_, the thought drifted through her mind _Even when he left you, he was still with you._...Zach would never leave.

"You sure you can put up with me?" she asked Zach "For life? I'm hard to love. Just ask...anyone."

(_When I've shown you that I just don't care. _

When I'm throwing punches in the air.

When I'm broken down and I can't stand  
will you be strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me, I promise I'll believe.  
Lie to me  
But please don't leave) ( Sheryl Crow)

Zach told her, "I'm not just anyone. My love for you is a constant. And if you marry me this Saturday, I'll prove that to you."

He kissed her and Kendall saw another man's face. She saw the one she really wanted.

_Damn it,_ she cried silently,_ Damn you, Ryan. Why didn't you just hold on? Why did you walk away?_

XXXXXXXXXXX

**Kendall knew it was very telling** that as soon as the nanny came to take care of Spike the next morning, she didn't go to work. Instead she went to Ryan's office. But she didn't care if it was obvious she needed to see him, she couldn't have stopped herself from coming here if she tried.

She knocked once on the opened door. "Hey, its just me. You busy?"

His eyes lit up. She did her best to pretend they hadn't. It was amazing the things she _thought _she saw there, but she had always done that.

Kendall used to see the whole rest of her life in his eyes. And sometimes, too often for her comfort, she thought she still did.

"Come on in," Ryan said, smiling. "How is our little man today?"

"Wonderful. Zach is going to take him suit shopping this afternoon."

Ryan's face stilled. Then he tried to play it off. "Suits, huh? They make those for newborns?"

"They make everything. Don't your credit card statements attest to the fact that we can never buy enough stuff for our Spike baby?"

He nodded as she sat down. He could see how nervous she was and knew she was about to spit out whatever it was. Ryan had a bad feeling he already knew what brought her here.

"Cancel all your plans for Saturday," Kendall said. "I need you..."

She stalled for a moment and then added "to come to my wedding."

Their eyes locked onto each other and it was all their- the Pine Cone, the castle, every second in between. The love and rage and pain and desperation. The connection that would never die.

_Let the past lay,_ Kendall told herself.

But then her lip jutted out in pout as she fought the urge to scream at Ryan. _Tell me not to do it!_

XXXXXXXX

_Let her go with grace, _Ryan told himself. He saw her lip start to poke out and then tremble_. She wants to make a life with Zach, _

They stared at each other, trying to not feel so much. But neither Kendall nor Ryan could control the feelings coursing through them.

(A wounded heart you gave.  
My soul you took away.

Good intentions you had many,  
I know you did.

I come from a place that hurts.

And God knows how I've cried.  
And I never want to return,  
never fall again.

Making love to you,  
oh it felt so good and  
oh so right.

How can I be strong? I've asked myself

Time and time, I've said,  
that I'll never fall in love with

you

again) ( Janet Jackson)

"Your marrying Zach," Ryan said, his words held no emotion but his eyes were broken, like the heart Kendall carried inside of her since the day his motorcycle sped away from her as she pleaded for him to stay.

"That's the plan," she said with a fake smile. "So I will see you there?"

"Um, well," he looked down at the paperwork on his desk. "I have a business trip to New York- a deal we are doing with a Japanese firm about some um..."

She interrupted him, "I see. You won't be coming then?"

"I don't think I can," Ryan said and swallowed back words that would beg her to not go through with this. He had cost her enough happiness already, he didn't feel he had the right to make her lose anymore.

Kendall jumped out of her seat. Her hands slapped down on his desk and she leaned forward. "Just tell me, Ryan. Have you really forgiven me? Are we friends or not? Because I need to know you are going to be there for me when I need you to...or I need to stop expecting that. So what is it?"

"You really want me at your wedding that bad?"

"Its not about the wedding!"

He stood up. His voice was low when he asked, "What is it about?"

She bit her lip. Her eyes moved to his mouth and then away. Finally she gained control of her ragged breathing and said "Spike. He counts on you. He expects you to show up for...everything...big or small...for the rest of his life. To fight for him. To never give up. And I just need to know you can give that to him. I thought you could...but, hell Ryan, I've thought a lot of things that aren't true before, haven't I?"

Ryan's eyebrows knotted. "I will never let Spike down. He won't care if I am at that ceremony."

"I said it is not about the damn wedding!" Kendall's eyes were on fire._ Why won't he fight for me? How can he not care? Why do I still love him? Why? It's not fair._

Ryan's eyes were all over her. She could feel his stare probing for answers. She had come here to tell him about the wedding not because she wanted him there but so that she could see if he even cared. Would he ask her to change it all? To change the very course of their lives and give up her plans with Zach for a chance at them again.

But he hadn't.

_Big surprise,_ she thought bitterly.

Ryan asked again,"What is it about then, Kendall?"

She straightened, "Nothing."

"Come on," he said softly.

Nobody on earth read her lies better than him. But he didn't always she her truth as clearly.

Kendall pushed back her shoulders, and for the millionth time begged her foolish heart to fall out of love with Ryan Lavery.

"I just would like to know that if I ask you for something," she said "that I could count on you to give it to me. But, hey, I shouldn't be asking for anything. I have no claim on you, right? You just don't let Spike down and we will be fine, Ryan. Have a great business trip. When you get back I will be Mrs. Zach Slater."

With that she turned and clicked out of the room on her five inch heels.

Ryan collapsed back into his chair. If he could make his heart stop loving her, in that moment, he would have. Because it felt like a bullet was burning its way through his chest, destroying him. She was getting married to someone that wasn't him.

_There's not a damn thing I can do about it,_ Ryan thought_, unless I want to risk everything...risk her hating me and my selfish ways...what would she say if I tried to stop that wedding?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

**The Wedding Day**

Kendall was in a room in the back of the church surrounded by her mom, her sister Bianca- who was her maid of honor- and her other two bridesmaids, Simone and Lily.

She stared at her own reflection in a mirror, barely hearing what any of them wearing saying until Erica spoke "You can still call this off."

Kendall jerked her thoughts out of the past and glanced at her mom.

Bianca said, "Why would she do that? Just because you hate Zach doesn't mean he can't be a good husband to Kendall."

"He is a good man," said Lily

"The wrong man," insisted Erica. "You belong with Ryan."

Kendall caught Simone's eyes and her friend smiled. "Ryan _is_ a one of a kind hunk. He would be hard to ever kick out of a bed, or a heart."

Kendall couldn't help but smile slightly at the twinkle in Simone's eye.

"And you know you never did," Erica said to her daughter "Call this off. This whole thing is a travesty! A farce! Tell Zach to get the hell out of your life and go back to the only man you will ever love."

"Enough, mother!" Kendall cried. "Ryan doesn't want to be with me. He has certainly said it enough times. You might have forgotten his marriage to Greenlee, now that she is gone, but I haven't. I remember ever second of it. He's over me and I am over...waiting."

She turned back to the mirror and started to fix her hair. "Will you all please give me a few minutes alone?"

Bianca had to strong arm a grumbling Erica from the room.

Simone gave Kendall a hug and whispered, before pulling away, "I can leave the car running by the back door, if you want?"

Kendall shook her head, no.

Lily asked "You _do_ want to marry Zach, right? Because it is not right to say "I do promise to love, honor and cherish," if you really mean "I don't." or "I am not sure if I can." That would not be fair, Kendall."

"I love Zach," Kendall said through clenched teeth.

XXXXXXX

**Ryan drove through **the rain on his motorcycle. He revved the gas, taking curves faster than was safe.

This was the only thing he knew to do though. The only way he could stop thinking was to drive and drive and not slow down.

XXXXXXXX

**Ten minutes later**, Kendall was still staring in the mirror. She could barely recognize the woman she saw there.

All she had to do was make up her mind and barrel into the future, with all her might. That was what she always did. She was good at it.

But this time was harder than ever before. Still, Kendall knew she could commit to Zach and be a good wife to him. She only wondered if she would be happy in that life or always wishing for another one. But that other one, the one with her soul mate, was not even an option.

A man stepped into the doorway of the room and she glanced his height and hair color in the reflection of the mirror. For a moment her heart stopped. Then it fell, it wasn't him.

"What can I do for you, Jonathan?"

He stood there, dressed in jeans, a tee, and a leather jacket. His eyes met hers.

She looked for a sign that he came here because something was wrong with Ryan, but it wasn't there.

Kendall turned around. "You aren't invited to my wedding and if you came here to ruin it, you can't."

"I brought you something," he said in a tense tone.

He closed the door and walked closer to her. From his pocket he took a small, long black box and passed it to her.

She asked, "Is this from your brother?"

"No."

Kendall's eyebrows knotted as she opened it. It was a pendant attached to a chain. She flipped it over and saw a L was engraved into it.

She looked at him. "You hate me. Why are you giving me gifts?"

XXXXXXXX

**Outside the church**, a motorcycle roared to a stop.

Rain poured down over Ryan. He stared at the building, wondering if the ceremony had started, wondering if it was too late.

_Why did I come here? Why does she still matter so damn much to me? I should be able to let this go_, Ryan berated himself.

(_Well I can't let go  
No, I can't let go of you _

_  
You're holding me back without even trying to. _

_  
I can't let go  
I can't move on from the past _

_  
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back _)

( Landon Pigg)

XXXXXXXXXX

**Jonathan told Kendall**, "It's a Saint Jude medal, the patron saint of lost causes. Erin bought three of them and had each one engraved with an L, for her and me and Ryan when we lived in Canada. It was supposed to mean that no matter what names we went by we were still connected, still belonged to each other forever. And with each other and Saint Jude we could get through anything."

She fingered the pendant.

He went on, "I had one made for you after Spike was born. I was going to give it to you at the christening but...I wasn't sure you would want it."

He looked down and added "I almost didn't come here tonight but I wanted you to know that ...no matter who you marry...you are a part of our family forever. Whatever I thought about you in the past, Kendall, you're family now. Okay?"

She tried to read the con in his eyes but it wasn't there.

Jonathan said, "You can wear the necklace or just keep it for Spike when he grows up. But you should have one."

"Thank you," she whispered.

She bit her lip, images of Ryan flooded her mind.

Jonathan saw the desperate way her eyes darted back and forth- like she was trapped here- and asked, "You need a get away driver, Kendall?"

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?"she ranted "I'm marrying Zach because I want to marry Zach. I want to belong to someone and he wants me. He has chosen me."

"And where does that leave my brother?"

"Right where he wants to be," Kendall said as she jutted her chin out. "Free."

Jonathan stared at her for a long moment and then said, "I should go before you future husband catches me here and thinks I like you or something."

She smiled. "Which we both know, you don't."

He smiled back and said softly "Can't stand you."

With a nod of his head at the necklace that she was clutching, he turned and slipped from the room.

She looked down at the L that was underneath her finger.

Lavery.

She was a part of them forever now, because of Spike. But, in her heart, she had been since the day Ryan walked into her motel room at the Pine Comb. She hadn't known his last name, what his story or deal was, or that he was about so much more than just washboard abs. She didn't need to. It was in the moment his eyes met hers that day, that her fate became clear.

In the bottom of her heart there was a small faint voice that had whispered,_ Hang on to Ryan and never, never, never, let go._

And for so long Kendall had lived her life trying to do that very thing.

( _And it might not make much sense  
to you _

_or any of my friends,  
though somehow you still affect_

_the things I do _

_  
And you can't lose what you never had  
I don't understand why I feel sad  
Every time I see you out with someone new  
_  
_I can't let go No, I can't let go  
No, I can't let go of you   
_  
_I_ _can't let go  
No, I can't let go of you  
You're holding me back without even trying to _

_  
I can't let go  
I can't move on from the past _

_  
Without lifting a finger you're holding me back ) _

_( Landon Pigg)_

XXXXXXX 

**TWENTY MINUTES LATER**

Ryan could not even feel the rain as it soaked into him. He was beyond caring about that, or how his stomach growled, or how his body ached from riding for hours on end. He had just circled the edge of town and ended up right back here. Back to Kendall.

He jumped off his bike.

So many times he had told himself to just let her go, to make it easy on both of them. But the years proved he couldn't. Because he always came back to her. Ran away from her, and ran back. It was in those desperate acts that he knew the true depth of his love for her. It defied logic, reason, sanity, and, sometimes, the law. Still it was all his crazy heart knew how to do- love her.

Ryan had been fighting with himself for days about how he should just let Kendall marry the man she claimed to love. But still he was here now, he couldn't stay away. He had to walk into this church and stand there and ask her to choose him instead.

If he didn't, he would never be able to forgive himself.

Just as he reached the doors, they were pulled open. Lightening struck the ground in the distance behind him, casting her face in a flash of light. Their eyes met.

She muttered as she rushed out the door, "Get me out of here."

They jumped on his bike, her long white dress flapped in the wind. Kendall held on tight to him and they roared into the night, just as the guests flooded the doorway and watched them disappear into the storm.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four **

He drove to his place. When he stopped the motorcycle she yelled, over the rain, "Just take me home!"

He climbed off the bike and stared at her. The rain had drenched her hair, ruined her wedding dress.

"You are home!" he yelled back. He silently added, _You're with me, that's home, and you know it._

The breeze whipped through the trees and thunder rolled above them.

She gave him an angry stare and he simply turned on and walked inside.

Kendall found him there a few minutes later, starting a fire.

She closed the door, pushing out the intense racket the storm was causing, and the room fell into the loudest silence of her life.

Ryan looked at her. She waited for him to ask what had happened. Instead he went and found a towel. Slowly he started to dry her hair.

For a second, she gave into his tenderness, loving the feel of him taking care of her. Then she pushed him away and moved across the room with hard steps that spoke of her rage at this whole situation.

Ryan watched her and couldn't stop a small smile from turning up the corners of his lips

(_She _

may be the face I can't forget.

A trace of pleasure or regret

May be my treasure or the price

I have to pay. ) ( Elvis Costello)

"AHHHHH!" she screamed "What did I do? I walked out of my own damn wedding. I must be crazy. I'm crazy, Ryan. CRAZY!"

He walked over to her and said,lightly, "All right, you're crazy."

Kendall didn't smile.

(_She  
May be the beauty or the beast.  
May be the famine or the feast.  
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell. _)

"I hate you, Ryan Lavery. Hate. Hate. Hate. You did something to me and, whatever it was, I want you to undue it right now. Say something that makes it end."

She couldn't bear to look in his eyes so she started to pace. That immediately hurt her feet so she kicked off her heels and tossed them, with some real force, at the wall. "I want this to be over. You and me. But no matter what you do I can't seem to get it into my head that..." _you don't love me_, she silently finished, unable to voice the words. It was like she was being stabbed every time she said that aloud.

Just thinking about it riled her up and she continued, "I mean you have told me and you have married my best friend and you have cussed me out and called me everything you can think of and..."

Kendall's voice turned teary when she added, "You have tried to save me and my sister and my mom and been the only one who I ever felt safe with...the only one I would go so far for..."

He stepped towards her and she started to yell again "Still that shouldn't make me do these kind of ridiculous things. I could have married a good man tonight, Ryan!"

He walked over and took hold of her arm. "You left Zach for me?"

(_She may be the mirror of my dreams.  
A smile reflected in a stream _

She may not be

what

she may seem

inside her shell)

She nodded her head bitterly, "Pathetic, isn't it?"

In a second, he had her in his arms. His mouth dipped down to kiss hers, then paused right before his lips touched hers.

Kendall rushed the last fraction of an inch toward him that it took for their lips to meet. She melted into him, her body flooded with heat and memories and love, and then she pushed him away.

She cursed and spat out, "What the hell are you doing?"

(_She may be the love that cannot hope to last  
May come to me from shadows _

of the past.

That I'll remember till the day I die )

Ryan could hardly think straight. He breathed out " I thought..."

"You thought wrong! If you wanted me, Ryan, you should have took me when you had the chance."

She started to cry, loud ugly sobs, and said " You didn't choose me. You didn't love me. You are able to walk away from me and I never can from you. Its not fair and I really can not stand it any longer. I don't know how to do this- us- and I don't know how to _not_ do this anymore."

He took her in his arms. She started to resist but then collapsed onto his chest.

She sobbed, "I hate you like you would not believe."

"Okay, Kendall, hate me. Just don't stop loving me either."

She looked up, her eyes searched his. "You can't love me like I love you. So what good can come of any of this?"

Ryan said, "Maybe you love me better than I love you. Maybe you just love me more out loud... but I can not love anyone else." He smiled through his own tears "I could try...fake it some more...find another substitute...but I want you...the only one who makes me lose my mind and heart and breath with just a look from across a room filled with other people who think they know who we are to each other...but never really can...only we know, Kendall.

He stroked her hair, and softly murmured "I am...a sucker for you. You know that...I always have been."

(_She  
May be the reason I survive  
The why and wherefore I'm alive  
The one I'll care for through the rough and ready years _)

Her word were hollow when she asked "Always?"

And then Greenlee was there with them. Not in the flesh but her spirit, what she had been to both Ryan and Kendall, how she had been between them.

She said bitterly, "No, not always."

Kendall jerked away from him and ran, barefoot and in her soaked wedding dress, toward the door. She grabbed his motorcycle keys from a side table and fled into the night.

Ryan stood there, stunned, for a minute. Then he took off after her but it was too late. The only trace of her outside were taillights fading into the distance.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Ryan jumped in his car and, as he drove through town trying to find Kendall, he made a call on his cell phone.

"Jonathan," he said as soon as his brother answered "I need some help. Kendall took off on my motorcycle and she was pretty upset. Can you get as many people as you can and go out looking for her. I'm afraid she might crash or god knows what...she is pretty worked up right now."

"I take it this means she didn't marry Slater?"

"No but right now...she might be wishing she did... I don't know. Can you just help me find her, okay?"

Within ten minutes the rest of the calls were made and people all over Pine Valley were climbing into their cars to search for the runaway bride.

XXXXXXX

**She should have known **riding on a motorcycle without shoes on was a bad idea. Her feet were really starting to heat up, the rain was making it hard to steer this thing, and she had nearly wiped out twice already.

Instead of slowing down, Kendall drove faster. She wanted to get to the casino- where her and Zach were supposed to spend the first night of their new marriage and where her son was with a nanny in a adjoining suite.

She needed to see Spike. He was the only thing that made sense in her world.

Because Ryan certainly didn't. Kendall felt bad about running out on Zach at the church but he was not really in the front of her mind at that moment. That place was stolen by the man who had her heart and just would not give it back- Ryan.

She had wanted him to love her, wanted it desperately with every breath she took for years, and then tonight he kissed her again. _God, it had felt so amazing_. Kissing that man always did but it never changed a thing.

Kendall believed Ryan thought she was all wrong for him- too impulsive, too loose with the truth, too greedy for all of his time and attention. And she was.

She really did not care if that made her a bitch, Kendall liked being that way.It felt a hell of a lot stronger than being some woman who waited on a man to fix her life.

But she had done that too. She had been waiting on him to come around and say _" I love you still, Kendall. I have loved you most and no one compares to you.._.." she dreamed of hearing that.

Then he started to say all the right things tonight and she freaked. _How could he feel that way_? she asked herself _If he loves me why did he stay away so long?_

Tears started to fall from her eyes and she couldn't see the road. Suddenly lights from an oncoming car flashed over the hill that she was approaching, as the car crested the top and came down towards her on the two line highway.

The car passed by, so close that the wind from it make the motorcycle shake. She swerved and then started to lose control as the wheels left the ground.

The car was gone, the rain pounding down so hard that it did not see the accident.

Kendall lay alone , her body still, and her mind still flashing image after image of Ryan...then Spike...Ryan...her baby that had his eyes...Ryan...

XXXXXXXX

**FIVE MINUTES LATER**

The man spotted the motorcycle in the road. Its light were still on, its fender bent, and the driver was no where to be seen.

He stopped his car and got out into the rain. Looking left and right, he tried to spot the person who had been riding the motorcycle. His breath stopped, for a split second, when he saw the white wedding gown.

Running towards the ditch he saw Kendall splayed there, with a gash on her head, the blood dripped over her dress.

He felt her throat for a pulse. Just as he confirmed it was still there, beating strong but irregular, she stirred.

Her eyes stayed close as he leaned close to speak to her. "I'm here."

"Ry..." she moaned, her head rolled to the side "Oh...Ryan...I love you...sorry...love you...Ryan..."

The man pulled out his cell phone and called for help.

"911. What is your emergency?"

"There's been an accident." He gave the location. "Come quick, she's bleeding from a head wound."

When he hung up he took off his jacket and laid it over her. "Hold on, Kendall."

Her eyes stayed closed, she mumbled "Hurts...Ryan, please...love me."

The man took her hand.

She whimpered, "Spike."

"Can you open your eyes for me, Kendall?" Zach asked

But she was passing out then, moaning the name of the only man who ever had her heart, "Ryan..."

Zach swallowed and squeezed her hand. Once the ambulance came he started to call her family and friends.

XXXXXX

**HOURS LATER**

**They had all converged **on the hospital. Erica, Bianca, Lily, Jackson and Reggie, Maggie, Danielle, Jonathan, Erin, Simone and Ethan, and JR were all crowded around the nurses station.

Ryan was standing right outside of the room that Kendall was in. Zach hung back, near the elevator, feeling like an outsider in the life of the woman he was going to marry hours before.

Joe Martin stepped out of her room and everyone bum rushed him, shouting questions.

He held up his hand and then looked at Ryan. "She has a concussion and some cuts. Kendall has to stay overnight but there shouldn't be any reason she can not go home tomorrow. She's awake again and asking for you, Mr. Lavery."

The crowd fell silence as they all cast sidelong glances at Zach. He nodded once, then turned and headed for the stairs.

XXXXXXXXXX

**His eyes caught hers **the moment he stepped into the room. Kendall gave him a weak smile.

"Did you call the cops on me for stealing your bike?" she joked

"I was about to," he kidded back.

Kendall smiled but then, as he moved closer, it fell away. She watched him warily. He sat down in a chair next to her bed.

Ryan asked, "How do you feel?"

"Like I wiped out on a motorcycle and got smacked in the head by the road."

He nodded. "Joe says you are going to be just fine."

"But are we?" she whispered "Are we going to be just fine, Ryan?"

He hated the way her eyes took on a unsure look. It was as if whatever he said could break her heart or piece it back together. It was hard for him to believe he had such an effect on her, or on anyone on earth, but with Kendall he always had been able to affect her whole world with only a handful of words.

Ryan knew that and it terrified him.

He took Kendall's hand, "Hey...don't worry about us right now. Just get better. You had me pretty worried tonight."

She looked away for a moment. When she looked back, she was working him. Putting on the front. She did it often. He always knew when she was.

"Don't worry about me. We both know I can take care of myself and I don't need anyone's help. That is why I ran out on Zach tonight. The more I think about it I like the idea of being a single mom. Just me and Spike living together in the condo. Its really is the only fair thing. I would never let my son witness me in some crazy relationship that will scar him for life when it all goes to hell. I'm done with men."

Ryan's jaw tightened. This was the point where he usually let her play out her little game and then they got so caught up in the lies and one upping that they ended up far from the one thing they both really wanted- each other.

This time he pushed down his urge to go along with her crazy scheme of trying to pretend they hadn't said any of the things they did earlier tonight.

With fake seriousness he asked her, "Is that your final word on the subject, Ms. Hart? You don't think you might reconsider?"

A slow smile spread on her lips. "It would be a stupid thing to do...you know better than anyone how all my attempts at love work out...can you say train wreck?"

"Well," Ryan said as he leaned closer to her, his voice dropped "you were always my favorite train wreck, Kendall."

She pressed her lips together tightly as the tears started to creep into her eyes. "What a compliment."

"Yeah, well, you know..." Ryan said with a chuckle "telling you how I feel is not what I do best but...feeling like this...like my life depends on if you love me or not...that is what I do always. Always have, always will."

She searched his eyes, looking for all the love she longed to see there.

His heart was in his words when he said, "I thank God you did not marry Zach tonight."

"Why did you show up at the church?"

For a long moment he simply stared at her, working up his nerve. When she was about to grab his arm and hiss, _Say something_! Ryan finally spoke up.

"To tell you not to choose him. Choose me instead. Love me instead. Make my life worthwhile...whether I deserve it or not. Whether I messed up all my chances or not...choose me, Kendall."

She was about to speak when the door to her room opened.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six **

"There you are!" Erica said with a sigh "I just had to see for myself that you were okay."

Soon everyone else was following her into the room and they all surrounded Kendall's bed.

"You look good," Bianca said

"Liar," said Kendall with a smile.

"What were you thinking, sis?" asked Reggie "You could have called me for ride. Don't go doing anything like that again, okay?"

"You sound more like Jackson every day," Kendall said, though she loved that he cared. It was a new thing for her to have so much family but, at times like these, it was what got her through and gave her strength.

"I hope that is a compliment," her step father said.

"It didn't sound like one to me," said JR, who was just as ruthless as Kendall and had no use for being honorable, reasonable or sane- all the things Jack would always be.

Kendall chuckled at her best friend's words and gave him a look that said _Don't start_.

To Reggie, she said, "It was one."

Erin asked, "Is there anything we can do for you? Maybe go pick up Spike from the nanny?"

Kendall looked at Ryan. He said, "I want to stay here with you...if you want that."

Kendall told Erin, "It would be great if you could keep Spike until I get released. He likes his nanny but his loves his Aunt Erin."

"No problem," she said.

"Thanks," Kendall and Ryan answered in unison.

Jonathan said "Its still raining pretty hard so I'll give you a ride out to the casino, Erin."

She told her brother, "I can drive better than you."

"Yeah, in a play station game, maybe," said Jonathan. "This is real life."

Everyone chuckled.

As the Lavery siblings headed for the door, Jonathan gave Kendall a private look and said "Nice necklace."

Her fingers went up to her neck to touch it. She was happy the doctors hadn't taken it off of her. The moment she slipped it on her neck on the church she knew she could not marry Zach, she belonged to another man, another family, another future already.

Ryan's eyes moved to her necklace. She looked at him. "A gift from your brother," she told him.

The family started to pepper her with comments on why Jonathan would give her a gift. The noise level in the room rose and Erica shouted to be heard "You don't love Jonathan, do you? You CAN'T! You love Ryan!"

Bianca screamed "She needs her rest! Come on, everyone out!"

Maggie helped to usher out everyone but Simone, Ethan and JR.

JR bent over the bed and kissed her cheek. "Your family is crazier than mine," he muttered to her.

Straightening back up he ordered, "Get well."

"Yes, sir," Kendall joked. She smiled and added "Don't get in any trouble while I'm stuck in here. You tend to do that when I am not around to stop you."

"Never," JR said with a smile, then left.

Simone finally had the chance to go to Kendall's bed side. "Oh my! Girl. How are you feeling? That was wild, what you did. You totally pulled a Julia Roberts on Zach and ran like a bat out of hell out of that church."

"A what?" asked Ethan

"From the movie. With Richard Gere." Simone said but his face remained blank. She waved her hand "Forget it, honey."

Ethan and Ryan shrugged at each other, as if to say, _Who can follow how they think?_

Simone focused on Kendall again. "Are you feeling okay now? For real? Do you need anything? Clothes? Some Fusion red hot sapphire lip gloss? You could use some, sweetie, not to be blunt or anything..."

"Yeah, some clothes would be great," Kendall said. "But you can bring it by in the morning and coffee, please. I have a feeling this place can not make a decent cup, let alone an espresso macchiato."

"You got it," Ethan promised. "See you in the morning."

Once they left, Kendall took a deep breath and looked at Ryan.

"Get some sleep," he said. "I'll be here when you wake up."

She laid down and closed her eyes. Her hand reached out and Ryan took it in his. She tried to fall asleep but couldn't.

_Choose me,_ was echoing in her head over and over. She opened her eyes again and found Ryan watching her.

"Are you absolutely sure?"she asked him "Or is this just about you not wanting me with someone else, like Zach?"

"Look in my eyes and tell me what this is about," he said

Kendall sat back up, briefly touching her head, "Ouch, that still stings a bit."

"Be careful," he said as he stood and helped her to get comfortable again. "We can talk later."

"I want to know now!" she cried softly "Because...to tell you the truth...I don't believe you. I don't think you know what you want. And I think, one day, maybe when Greenlee comes back, or when I _do _something...when I lie...you will suddenly not need me like you think you do right now. Maybe you should just leave while I still can look at you and remember that we can only be so much to each other. Co-parents, friends, business partners even but not...more."

"Because?" he asked

"It's just too late..." she said softly. That wasn't her truth, but she thought it might be his. Her eyes stayed rooted on his face as she waited for him to start to, finally, fight for them.

Ryan stood up and headed for the door. Kendall watched him go with tears streaming down her face.

(_If I would've known _

the way that this would end

If I would've

read the last page first

If I'd had the strength to walk away  
If I'd known how this would hurt

I would've loved you anyway

I'd do it all the same

Not a second I would change  
Not a touch that I would trade

Had I known my heart would break  
I would've loved you anyway ) ( Trisha Yearwood)

With every step he took away from her, she remembered their past and it was like he was rushing back to her instead. Every second she loved him hit her full force. He was what kept her breathing, before Spike was born. But had she ever meant as much to Ryan?

(_It's bittersweet to look back now At memories withered on the vine  
Just to hold you close to me  
For a moment in time _

I would've loved you anyway

I'd do it all the same  
Not a second I would change

Not a touch that I would trade  
Had I known my heart would break

I would've loved you anyway

And even if I'd seen it coming  
You'd still would have seen me running  
straight into your arms

I would've loved you anyway) ( Trisha Yearwood)


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven**

Ryan stopped at the door to the hospital room. His hand gripped the handle and squeezed.

She could drive him crazy. Beg him to love her, to come closer and closer and fight for them. Then push him away and say it didn't really matter. But her eyes always told him it did. It was all that mattered in this moment.

Without looking at her, he said "I hate that you lost your faith in me."

"You lost your love for me. I think that's a hell of a lot worse," Kendall said.

He spun around.

(_All of these lines across my face  
tell you the story of_

_who I am._

_  
So many stories of where I've been.  
And how I got to_

_where I am._

_  
But these stories don't mean anything  
when you've got no one to_

_tell them to._

_  
It's true...I was made for you_) ( Brandi Carlile)

"Just go," Kendall hissed. "You aren't sure and I can see it all over your face."

With huge steps he crossed the room and was back by her side.

He gently cupped her face, "I'm not sure how we can work out...we hurt each other every time...but if I am going to be broken hearted I want it to be over you...because I'm sick of running away from us...I want to stay here and love you...let me."

"Ryan," she whispered.

She thought of how far she had gone to win his love back. And how if she had the chance she would do it all again, only better, so that he never married Greenlee. Kendall thought about what she would do to any woman who ever tried to take Ryan away from her and Spike now. Annihilate is the word that came to her mind.

(_I climbed across the_

_mountain tops._

_  
Swam all across the_

_ocean blue._

_  
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules._

_  
But, baby,_

_I broke them all for you._

_  
Because even when I was flat broke  
you made me feel like a million_

_bucks._

_  
Yeah, you do, and_

_I was made for you._)

Before she could say anymore he was kissing her and she was lost in the feel of him. It was more than just passion, it was the feeling of home and of her other half being right where he was supposed to be. For only when she was touching Ryan, or holding his little boy, did Kendall ever feel completely at peace.

"Let me love you," he begged again. "I could walk away and say I don't want you. I could marry someone sweet and reliable. A sure bet. I could...but I want you, Kendall. Don't make me live a lie. Let me be the man who makes you happy. I will do whatever it takes to make you see that you and me...we are the ones who should make it...we should because if not the whole world will be wrong."

He had tears in his eyes when he said, "I love you, Kendall. I would stop if I could but I can't..."

In a small voice filled with all her insecurities she asked, "Why would you stop?"

"So we wouldn't break each other again. It killed me to not be with you. And I worried it was driving you to do ...insane things that could have gotten you hurt..."

"I would have done anything to get you back, Ryan." She raised her hands, with the IV attached to it still, to touch him, needing desperately to hold on to him.

He whispered, as his thumb stroked her cheek, "I am right here."

"Say it again," Kendall ordered with teary eyes and a smile on her face.

"I love you."

She replied back, "About damn time."

Ryan chuckled. "You know I never stopped."

"_I_ knew all along," she said. "Its just good to hear you admit it."

(_You see the smile that's on _

_my mouth_

_  
Is hiding the words that don't_

_come out_

_  
And all of my friends who think that_

_I'm blessed_

_  
They don't know my head is_

_a mess_

_  
No, they don't know who I really am._

_  
And they don't know what _

_I've been through_

_but you do_

_  
And I was made for you...) _Brandi Carlile)

He started to smile, with joy and relief, and soon she was smiling right back at him.

"You know I love you right?" she asked "Only you. ALWAYS you. I was going to marry Zach and try to be someone different but the problem is...I can't. I can only be Kendall and...at the core of who that is...is a woman...who is crazy about you."

She touched her necklace, "I'm stuck on you, Lavery."

Ryan let out a long breath and murmured, "Thank God," before leaned over and kissed her again.

_Coming up- The last chapter. I am not sure if I will write more Rendall after this story. I suppose it depends on how bad AMC ticks me off. Considering Ryan's storyline it is pretty bad already._


	8. Chapter 8

_Chapter Eight._

The next morning, Kendall woke to find Ryan sleeping with his head resting on her bed. He was in the oddest position, and she wondered if his back would hurt later in the day. He was as close to her as he could get without being on her bed.

She stroked his hair.

Then the door to her hospital room opened.

"Hello."

"Zach."

Ryan stirred awake. The men looked at each other.

Kendall said, "I think I need to..."

Ryan turned to her and touched her hand, "I'll be back in five, okay?"

She nodded.

Ryan nodded at Zach and then left. Kendall stifled a sigh at the lines on Zach's face, that had seemingly etched into his forehead over night, and the bags under his eyes.

"What can I say?" she tried to keep her voice light. "I'm a bitch. You are lucky I ran out on you."

Wearily he said,"Yeah, I feel real lucky right about now."

He walked closer, there was no anger in his face, just acceptance.

Zach went on, "I only came to tell you I understand. Don't stress about how I'm doing. I'll be fine in..." he was going to say no time, but that would be a lie. Even soon would be pushing the truth."I'll be fine."

Kendall said, "I really did want to marry you when I agreed the first time, on the yatch. The life you offered is what I wanted to want, but it just...wasn't the future I have always been running towards. I hit so many brick walls trying to get to where I am right now...so I thought you might be...I thought we could work. But I was lying to myself and lying to you. I'm sorry, Zach."

He nodded. "I only wanted you to be my wife...if you wanted to be my wife. You and Spike...you should have...everything you both want...and Lavery better give it to you."

"He will."

Zach stared at her for a long moment. Then he gave her a slight nod, in it was forgiveness and more than a little grief. He left without saying another word. As he slid from the room, they both noticed Ryan was in the doorway, watching them with probing eyes.

_XXXXXXXX_

Ryan stepped into her room again.

She smiled at him with a look that said, _We made it_.

His look said, _Did we, really?_

_(The miles are getting longer, it seems,  
the closer I get to you._

_I've not always been the best man or friend for you._

_But your love, it makes true  
and _

_I don't know why_

_you always seem to give me another try_...) ( Daughtry)

**Ryan walked over** to her bed and said, "You can choose whoever you want, Kendall. I will back your play this time. I'll be what I have never managed to pull off perfectly before...your best friend, your back-up..." he smiled and tried to not get emotional "I'll be Greenlee."

With a shaky smile, Kendall said, "That is a sentence I never thought I would hear you say."

She watched him closely, marveling at how he was willing to give her up to give her want she wanted, if it came to that.

She could read in his eyes this was not about him trying to push her away, it was, finally, about him loving her enough to put her needs first.

Ryan leaned down and whispered, "I love you...but if you love him or if you think he's better for you...I'll back off...I will be whatever you want. If it was up to me, alone, I would say it should be us...it needs to be us...but if your heart is saying it can't be...then..." his words trailed off as she opened her mouth to speak.

_(...be careful what you wish for,  
cause you just might get it all._

_you just might get it all,  
and then some you don't want._

_be careful what you wish for,  
cause you just might get it all._

_you just might get it all, yeah_) ( Daughtry)

**Kendall would normally** think his words meant he doubted them and that they could make it, but she saw how hard it was for him to offer her this out. It was him making a sacrifice for her, it was...love.

She said, "The only thing my heart is saying is... run."

His voice shook as he asked, "Run?"

Losing his strength, he took a seat on the edge of her bed.

She raised her hand, grabbed his shirt, and tugged him within inches of her face. "Yeah. It's saying 'Run right into Ryan's arms and never let him get away again.' My heart says nutty stuff like that about you all the time."

Relief flooded his body. Slowly, he kissed her, gently giving her what he had held back for way too long- his whole heart

_(Oh, well,_

_I'm going home,  
back to the place where I belong,  
and where your love has always been enough for me._

_I'm not running from._

_No, I think you got me all wrong._

_I don't regret this life I chose for me.) _( Daughtry)

**Kendall pulled back an** inch and said, "You can have that everyday...if you stop acting like a jackass and just stay...stay this time, Ryan, and love me. We have a kid now...no more games...just love me."

"You know I do..." his lips connected with hers. Against her mouth he whispered. "I love you most."

And that is when her heart started to really believe. He said the words that had been her secret dream. Four little words that, if they were true and stayed true, would make her life ideal.

She repeated, with awe in her tone, "I love you most...huh?"

"Most," he said and then gave her another quick kiss, before standing up."Now, I'm going to find a doctor and have you checked out again...see if we can go home soon. So we can be together, and be a family with our son , sound good?"

Kendall reached out and squeezed Ryan's hand. She loved the way his skin felt resting in hers, it was perfect, it was her home. "Sounds like what I have been waiting forever for, " she told him.

_(But these places and these faces are getting old.  
I said these places and these faces are getting old,_

_so I'm going home.  
I'm going home_.) ( Daughtry)

_XXXXXXXXXX_

**She leaned on him as they walked** in the door of his house. Erin was on the couch, holding Spike, and Jonathan was making silly faces to try and get the baby to stop crying.

Erin looked at Kendall and said "He's been a little fussy. I think he misses his mama."

Ryan helped a still sore Kendall to sit down and then brought her over her son. She cuddled the baby close and he stopped crying.

Erin said, "Well, we should be getting home."

"I'll walk you out," Ryan said.

Jonathan hung back for a minute. When he was alone with Kendall he said, "So...my brother is not as free as you told me he was...huh?"

"Nope. Not so much." She smiled at him.

"Good."

With that the younger man left. Kendall let out a happy sigh. Soon, Ryan was back and sitting next to her.

She stroked Spike's hair and said "He looks like you. I was praying he would when I was pregnant. Especially before you came back...I wanted you here so bad, Ryan, just so desperately...you need to promise me something, okay?"

He stared at her for a long moment. Softly he said, "Today I think I would promise you anything."

"Don't run again. If it all gets to be too much, talk to me. That's what I am here for...there is nothing you can do or say or feel that will make me ever stop wanting to be with you...so trust in me, Ryan, trust in us...I'm counting on you."

He leaned over, wearing a smile, and kissed her. "I wouldn't have it any other way, Kendall."

It scared her to give all her faith to him but she did, in that moment. She took an emotional leap and believed in him, in the promises in his eyes, in the dream she had always held in her heart...she let the past go, keeping only the best parts and forgetting the rest, and jumped right into the future with him.

Ryan wrapped his arm around her back and pulled her close to lean on him. The baby rested on her lap.

He said, "I always knew we'd be stuck together for life...I just didn't know how it would all happen...can you believe, after all of this, we ended up a family?"

"You were my family from the first day I met you...and Spike is my little living, breathing piece of you and my love for you...so, yeah, I can believe it...it's all I have ever wanted...this is my idea of...happy."

Ryan gave Kendall a slow and sweet kiss, then he gave her a whispered promise, "I won't ever run out on you again. You have my word...and my heart...and me, for the rest of my life."

And, true to his word, Kendall spent the rest of her days as his love, his wife, his partner in business and the occasional crime...and as the one he loved most and longest and best.

_THE END_


End file.
